I’m off the booze for a few months.
I’ve been thinking about this for a while and one of the reasons for writing this blog is because I no doubt will get a little backlash from some people who will now decide I am boring.
I have always had a tumultuous relationship with alcohol, namely due to the fact I can’t handle my drink. I never have been able to.
When I drank as a teenager it often resulted in blackouts, complete loss of any memory of a night even when I was reminded what happened I’d not remember at all. It was enough to put me off drinking for years.
And then I started again. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not one of these people who think I’m some kind of alcoholic because of these blackouts or the fact I, on occasion, drink to excess. I can go for weeks/months without drinking but the majority of the time when I do it turns me into someone I don’t like very much.
I am super annoying, I say stupid things, I have on occasion upset people through thoughtlessness or just the fact they’re being left to manage me because I’ve got myself into such a state that I can’t manage myself.
Then there’s the waking up and that horrible sinking feeling of knowing that I don’t know how I got there but knowing full well that I have definitely done something stupid as being in the state where I blackout inevitably means I was super drunk.
It’s also not a good sign when people give your drunk self a name all of its own. “Party Stacey” makes me cringe, especially considering she’s so completely at contrast with sober me. Loud, brash, constantly wanting to be the centre of attention, not shutting up and letting anyone else speak, falling over, doing really stupid things. Sometimes I feel so despairing about it all I could cry.
I think of certain things that have happened when I’m drunk, things I am not so proud of that I’ve said or things that I’ve done that other people might find funny but inside I just want to curl up tight into a ball and hide somewhere until no one can remember them.
It would all be okay if I could actually stop after a couple of drinks but I don’t seem to be able to do it, as soon as I get that fuzzy glow then that’s it. I’d like another drink, and then another etc.
I don’t know anyone who consistently acts like me when they are drunk. I have honestly never met anyone who does. I am the drunk mentalist, the Uncle Knobhead of my group of friends if you will.
The reason I’m sharing this:
Please don’t try and tell me to drink because you’d prefer it if I did, or that I’m being a spoilsport, or that you’d have more fun if I did.
Please don’t look at me with non alcoholic beverage in hand and think I’m boring, or that I think I’m better than anyone else or think I was more of a laugh when I did drink. These are all criticisms that will hurt my feelings.
Think about the times I’ve annoyed you, or the times I’ve done something stupid, or the times I’ve sat there with a hangover constantly worrying and doing your head in.
Think about how different you are to me when you’re drunk and the stuff I do that you don’t do.
And please understand that drinking really isn’t suited to everyone, especially a lightweight like me!